Seven. Heaven. Seventh heaven. Get it? I thought it was funny.
I'm trying to think of what heaven would be like for me, but honestly I don't even want to speculate and frankly "heaven" to me right now would mean a break from my studies during which I wouldn't actually have to do any work, which I am currently procrastinating from anyway because everything else seems much more important at this point in time. I am so totally done.
Heaven would be purchasing a pair of tickets to Vancouver that would allow us to spend a week there. Reading week, perhaps, which we have just begun. I would love to go back there and enjoy the 10 degree weather and bask in the autumn that can actually be classified as autumn. I want to visit with Alex's family and with his friend from high school who has also moved out there. He was a nice guy and I'd really love to spend some more time getting to know him.
I would go to that library that we spent hours on the steps of; it was like a Colosseum. We sat on the steps for hours, Alex, his friend, and I, and talked about their high school time and what he's been up to in Vancouver. He's an actor and he's been really busy, seeing a few glimpses of impending success lately and everyone's got their fingers crossed for him. He's got a real role coming up and I can't wait to see what he's done with it.
I would go back to the breakfast place in Yaletown which was expensive, but delicious. They made this French toast that was basically crusted in cinnamon sugar. And we sat on the veranda watching the boats and the people and the water and taking in the sun and the air and the glorious, glorious vitamin D that comes with all of that happiness and peace and sun.
We'd go back to the nerd bars we found, EXP and Storm Crow Tavern. Those were a couple of cool places. I liked the Storm Crow a little better because it reminded me of the DnD taverns where adventuring parties go to get quests, except that there was a classic 80s lightsaber mounted above the bar and a cyberman head on a shelf. We did find a copy of the ADnD handbook that was in beautiful condition. There was a little Italian place two stalls down that had great lattes as well, so I'd go back there too.
I'd go back to Stanley park and try walking it again and see how far I can get this time. I did okay last time, but I was recovering from an injury so I could have done better. I want to make it all the way around that island some time. Maybe on my bike when we get out there. I want to bring my bike with me when we actually move, it'll be a great way to get around in that city.
The feeling I had in Vancouver was such a high that I got addicted to in 7 simple days. I can't wait to go back and feel that wonderment and peace again. Peace is heaven after all, right?
Saturday, November 8, 2014
6. Break Away
The first thing that comes to mind is the Kelly Clarkson song. Frankly, I'm not unconvinced that that's not where this prompt came from. I used to like her music but I stopped listening to her around Jr. High when I decided I was too cool for pop music and that goth rock was a much better life choice. And although that music choice essentially turned me into the person I am today, I'm no longer a complete snob regarding music.
I started with Evanescence and Linkin Park after I stopped with the Kelly Clarkson thing. I decided that listening to dark broody music was going to make a significantly more alluring human being because I would suddenly be one of those goth girls that got all the attention. It did not happen for several reasons. Firstly, I was a happy person, generally speaking. In Jr. High was happy. I was bullied a little bit, mostly behind my back, but I knew about it and I was happy anyway. I told myself that they were idiots and that I was awesome and it didn't matter what they said. I had a pretty good hold on myself at that point in time, I was able to control my emotions and keep myself happy. I also starting dealing with really depressed people at this point, so I was more focused on keeping them happy than being sad myself yet.
What this music did for me, however, was it unlocked a creativity in me. I was able to sympathize with the lyrics and I found myself feeling emotions that I hadn't felt before and that unlocked new ideas in my mind that I was able to explore in my stories. It also opened up a passion in me for good music. I found many other artists as a result of this musical choice such as Within Temptation (which I found all of once and then came across years later thanks to a friend of mine), Epica (which was a short lived romance, although I did get another friend hooked on them), and eventually Rammstein, although I owe a great deal of that addiction to my brother and his friend who took me along to their concert when I was in my senior year of high school because they needed someone 18 or older to go with them and I sort of liked the band up until then. I'm sure I'll get another opportunity to discuss Rammstein before this challenge is over, so I'll leave it at that for them.
I guess I should tie this all together with a musing about "Breaking Away." I suppose the ultimate point of all of this music talk is that I've broken away from mainstream music and found a few avenues of my own without falling into the hipster subcategory where I only listen to indie music. I don't tend to listen to indie music, but I have a soft spot for one-of-a-kind artists like Florence and the Machine, Sarah Slean, and Solar Fields.
I started with Evanescence and Linkin Park after I stopped with the Kelly Clarkson thing. I decided that listening to dark broody music was going to make a significantly more alluring human being because I would suddenly be one of those goth girls that got all the attention. It did not happen for several reasons. Firstly, I was a happy person, generally speaking. In Jr. High was happy. I was bullied a little bit, mostly behind my back, but I knew about it and I was happy anyway. I told myself that they were idiots and that I was awesome and it didn't matter what they said. I had a pretty good hold on myself at that point in time, I was able to control my emotions and keep myself happy. I also starting dealing with really depressed people at this point, so I was more focused on keeping them happy than being sad myself yet.
What this music did for me, however, was it unlocked a creativity in me. I was able to sympathize with the lyrics and I found myself feeling emotions that I hadn't felt before and that unlocked new ideas in my mind that I was able to explore in my stories. It also opened up a passion in me for good music. I found many other artists as a result of this musical choice such as Within Temptation (which I found all of once and then came across years later thanks to a friend of mine), Epica (which was a short lived romance, although I did get another friend hooked on them), and eventually Rammstein, although I owe a great deal of that addiction to my brother and his friend who took me along to their concert when I was in my senior year of high school because they needed someone 18 or older to go with them and I sort of liked the band up until then. I'm sure I'll get another opportunity to discuss Rammstein before this challenge is over, so I'll leave it at that for them.
I guess I should tie this all together with a musing about "Breaking Away." I suppose the ultimate point of all of this music talk is that I've broken away from mainstream music and found a few avenues of my own without falling into the hipster subcategory where I only listen to indie music. I don't tend to listen to indie music, but I have a soft spot for one-of-a-kind artists like Florence and the Machine, Sarah Slean, and Solar Fields.
Friday, November 7, 2014
5. Seeking Solace
(Some of these prompts are less applicable to my life than others. I'm going to throw some flash fiction and scenes in here with my own experiences. Maybe completely in lieu of my own experiences. I don't know, this whole thing is an experiment in progress.)
The bus crawled along in the five inch deep slush to get to the corner of the street. We'd been on this block three times as long as we usually are in good weather. I am still five blocks away from my townhouse. We have a space heater on the wall that looks like a real fire place and it's going to help me warm up my cold wet feet. My socks are going right in the hamper, along with my tights and dress which are dusty and sweaty. I want to curl up in a blanket and my comfy slippers and find a new book and make some tea and lay down and forget about how the world is still going on, or trying to, in this horrendous weather.
A man sneezed on the bench next to me. He wiped his nose on his sleeve. There was a couple a few rows back who huddled together, arms entwined around each other and their meager groceries. I missed my grocery buddy. He was on the other side of this vast country in weather just as terrible only colder and wetter and the wet made the cold feel colder, and he was in a chilly apartment with his mother putting up a Christmas tree and figuring out which family members are cooking which dishes for Christmas Eve, which for Christmas, and which for New Years.
I didn't get to go anywhere for Christmas. I had to keep working because there's a big project at work and if I work now then Don said I might be up for a promotion next month which would include a pretty hefty pay raise and, as my grocery buddy and I know, we could use that raise to pay the mortgage on our little home just that much faster.
We made it another block. The slush was lighter here and we were able to move just a little bit faster. I can see my condo complex from here. I love how we managed to get a place here. We exploited every first-time home buyers clause we could so that we could get it. The mortgage rates were low enough for our meager salaries so we could keep it and eat at the same time.
We finally get to my stop and get off the bus and go up to my door and get inside. My home is warm and dry and it smells like the vanilla candles I was burning last night. I hang up my coat and put my boots on the mat to dry.
In the kitchen I start the tea kettle and then I go upstairs to change. I can finally wear sweatpants after a long day, and that makes me happier than anything.
The bus crawled along in the five inch deep slush to get to the corner of the street. We'd been on this block three times as long as we usually are in good weather. I am still five blocks away from my townhouse. We have a space heater on the wall that looks like a real fire place and it's going to help me warm up my cold wet feet. My socks are going right in the hamper, along with my tights and dress which are dusty and sweaty. I want to curl up in a blanket and my comfy slippers and find a new book and make some tea and lay down and forget about how the world is still going on, or trying to, in this horrendous weather.
A man sneezed on the bench next to me. He wiped his nose on his sleeve. There was a couple a few rows back who huddled together, arms entwined around each other and their meager groceries. I missed my grocery buddy. He was on the other side of this vast country in weather just as terrible only colder and wetter and the wet made the cold feel colder, and he was in a chilly apartment with his mother putting up a Christmas tree and figuring out which family members are cooking which dishes for Christmas Eve, which for Christmas, and which for New Years.
I didn't get to go anywhere for Christmas. I had to keep working because there's a big project at work and if I work now then Don said I might be up for a promotion next month which would include a pretty hefty pay raise and, as my grocery buddy and I know, we could use that raise to pay the mortgage on our little home just that much faster.
We made it another block. The slush was lighter here and we were able to move just a little bit faster. I can see my condo complex from here. I love how we managed to get a place here. We exploited every first-time home buyers clause we could so that we could get it. The mortgage rates were low enough for our meager salaries so we could keep it and eat at the same time.
We finally get to my stop and get off the bus and go up to my door and get inside. My home is warm and dry and it smells like the vanilla candles I was burning last night. I hang up my coat and put my boots on the mat to dry.
In the kitchen I start the tea kettle and then I go upstairs to change. I can finally wear sweatpants after a long day, and that makes me happier than anything.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
4. Dark
Dark was my clothes, my makeup, my hair, my attitude, my mood, my life for many years. When I was in grade 11, I had no hope for myself. I didn't think I would be able to finish IB. I almost didn't, I didn't think that I was going to be able to hold myself up against the onslaught of assignments that were actually due for marks and the homework that would help me figure out how my lessons were supposed to be interpreted so that I could make all the answers come to fruition on the tests. I didn't do very well at the end, but I had finished it and I was ready to move on and be happy in University: I could study what I wanted and I could figure out what I was going to do with my life. I was going to find happiness.
Unfortunately, first year went by in a flash and I hadn't done anything but get mediocre grades and stagnate in my personal development; even regress. I fell back into the fandom world and wrote fanfiction and read fanfiction and fangirled on Tumblr 24/7. I capped at 206 lbs on the red and gold couch in our back room.
Second year, I had gotten my shit together enough to shrink a size and get healthier. But I was alone. I looked the best I had in years and no one was interested. I cried. I prayed. And god gave me a golden opportunity which I outlined a few entries ago. I took that opportunity and I found that someone actually wanted to be with me. It was nice.
But my parents didn't like him very much. He was 24 with no degree and no prospects. We fought on and off for the first year of our relationship and further. I wanted to kill myself every two days during the Winter 2014 semester. I thought about it. I confessed my feelings to my parents and got told, once again, that I'm being dramatic. My feelings have always been chalked up to drama and the eternal search for attention. I contemplate my thoughts for days, weeks, months ahead before finally settling on telling them or not. It's painful, holding some of these feelings in. That's why having Alex with me has been so beneficial. He listens and helps and accepts. It's been eyeopening and refreshing and freeing because I'm no longer drowning in my feelings.
We stopped fighting, my parents and I, last June. I told them that I had my best semester yet and that all of their snipes about me leading a frivolous and pointless life while I was school finally stopped. I could finally breathe. I had permission to do what I was that I was doing because I had proved that I could do it and school at the same time. That fight was so freeing.
Unfortunately, first year went by in a flash and I hadn't done anything but get mediocre grades and stagnate in my personal development; even regress. I fell back into the fandom world and wrote fanfiction and read fanfiction and fangirled on Tumblr 24/7. I capped at 206 lbs on the red and gold couch in our back room.
Second year, I had gotten my shit together enough to shrink a size and get healthier. But I was alone. I looked the best I had in years and no one was interested. I cried. I prayed. And god gave me a golden opportunity which I outlined a few entries ago. I took that opportunity and I found that someone actually wanted to be with me. It was nice.
But my parents didn't like him very much. He was 24 with no degree and no prospects. We fought on and off for the first year of our relationship and further. I wanted to kill myself every two days during the Winter 2014 semester. I thought about it. I confessed my feelings to my parents and got told, once again, that I'm being dramatic. My feelings have always been chalked up to drama and the eternal search for attention. I contemplate my thoughts for days, weeks, months ahead before finally settling on telling them or not. It's painful, holding some of these feelings in. That's why having Alex with me has been so beneficial. He listens and helps and accepts. It's been eyeopening and refreshing and freeing because I'm no longer drowning in my feelings.
We stopped fighting, my parents and I, last June. I told them that I had my best semester yet and that all of their snipes about me leading a frivolous and pointless life while I was school finally stopped. I could finally breathe. I had permission to do what I was that I was doing because I had proved that I could do it and school at the same time. That fight was so freeing.
3. Light
What do you write about "light?" How it's useful? How it symbolizes love and happiness and faith? I could say that, but I suppose I could also talk about how I feel light these days because I was once so dark when I was a teenager and again during my university years.
I associate darkness as being intrinsic in depression. I don't believe that I am clinically depressed, but I have also gone through definite slumps in my mood that could be described as a depressed mood. Prompt number 4 is "Dark," so I'll probably talk a lot more about that at that point, but today I want to talk about how I feel "light" and how I keep myself here.
Alex is a very important part of my happiness. I don't mean to sound like one of these girls who says that their boyfriend is the centre of their existence and all of that, because that's not true, at least not for me, but Alex has a very interesting aura about him that completely relaxes me. I can stop thinking about my stress and my worries and I feel a lot more optimistic when we are together and talking things through. Sometimes I get so involved in our time together that I can relax enough to nap which, as I well know, is not something that I've been able to do on my own for years.
I've also, on a more superficial level, been trying to steer myself away from black things and clothes and trying to dress in lighter colours with less deep makeup. I feel like whites and some of the light colours I've been using like pink and mint, are letting the girly, happy side of me show through so I can feel that lightness in my disposition and translate it into a state of mind that I can revel in and use to my advantage.
Having a purpose for my life is really helping as well. I know that I want to find myself in Vancouver again and I want to find the career that I'll be pursuing for the rest of my life there. Vancouver is much less industrial city, it's more aesthetically pleasing in my eye and I feel lighter and more optimistic there. Having that hope of going back keeps me focused and keeps me optimistic that everything's going to work out.
In general, I'm finding lightness to mean my optimism and well-being in life these days. I'm finding ways to make myself happy and to keep myself happy and that is making life easier, which I'm noticing quite profoundly this year; last semester was incredibly difficult and I was sad and depressed all the time and it was really difficult to keep myself motivated to get good grades (even though I was getting good grades). Being optimistic is giving me more of a will to live, which I'm sure everyone can agree is a good thing. I don't want to give up on life yet, and now I feel like I have a good reason not to give up.
I associate darkness as being intrinsic in depression. I don't believe that I am clinically depressed, but I have also gone through definite slumps in my mood that could be described as a depressed mood. Prompt number 4 is "Dark," so I'll probably talk a lot more about that at that point, but today I want to talk about how I feel "light" and how I keep myself here.
Alex is a very important part of my happiness. I don't mean to sound like one of these girls who says that their boyfriend is the centre of their existence and all of that, because that's not true, at least not for me, but Alex has a very interesting aura about him that completely relaxes me. I can stop thinking about my stress and my worries and I feel a lot more optimistic when we are together and talking things through. Sometimes I get so involved in our time together that I can relax enough to nap which, as I well know, is not something that I've been able to do on my own for years.
I've also, on a more superficial level, been trying to steer myself away from black things and clothes and trying to dress in lighter colours with less deep makeup. I feel like whites and some of the light colours I've been using like pink and mint, are letting the girly, happy side of me show through so I can feel that lightness in my disposition and translate it into a state of mind that I can revel in and use to my advantage.
Having a purpose for my life is really helping as well. I know that I want to find myself in Vancouver again and I want to find the career that I'll be pursuing for the rest of my life there. Vancouver is much less industrial city, it's more aesthetically pleasing in my eye and I feel lighter and more optimistic there. Having that hope of going back keeps me focused and keeps me optimistic that everything's going to work out.
In general, I'm finding lightness to mean my optimism and well-being in life these days. I'm finding ways to make myself happy and to keep myself happy and that is making life easier, which I'm noticing quite profoundly this year; last semester was incredibly difficult and I was sad and depressed all the time and it was really difficult to keep myself motivated to get good grades (even though I was getting good grades). Being optimistic is giving me more of a will to live, which I'm sure everyone can agree is a good thing. I don't want to give up on life yet, and now I feel like I have a good reason not to give up.
2. Love
Of course, after I introduce my significant other in the last post I get to write about him again. I can't complain, I'm used to telling our story because people always want to know how the two Alexs got together.
We met in my first year. He was maybe a week into a relationship with another girl, which I found out several weeks late, but I fell in love the moment I saw him. He was sitting at a desk in one of the major hallways on campus with his legs stretched out in front of him. He was really tall. He's 6'6" as it turns out. He had a wicked beard. It was, and has been since, short but dense. The bottom is red, the part under his lip is blonde, the mustache and sides are dark brown and the edges are almost black. He had the long nose that I've always been attracted to on a man's face. He has blue eyes and hea wears wire rimmed glasses that shorten his long face just a little bit and still allow his eyes to come to the forefront of his appearance. He had longer hair then, it was below his ears.
I was walking with my friend and she knew him from the anime club. So she stopped to talk to him about the club and about life and eventually she remembered that I was there. I tried to cover up the fact that I was staring, which as it turned out wouldn't have mattered because he doesn't seem to notice when people notice him.
He offered his hand to me and said "I'm Alex," as any normal person would.
I shook his hand and said "Me, too."
And I thought that was the end of it. Until I started going to anime club every Tuesday. I don't watch anime, and I never had much of an interest until there was a reason to be there. I did this for the remainder of the year learning only one thing that I remember today: he flirts with people subconsciously. I decided that whatever attraction I thought was there, was not.
In my second year I hit an all time low for my optimism about my love life. It was one of the only times that my friend had to cheer me up instead of the other way around. She called in whoever was free, and that just happened to be Alex and a gentleman who shares a name with a rather prolific celebrity. She and this other guy spent most of their time talking, leaving me and Alex to look at stuff on his computer. I felt that spark again, but I chalked it up to being a result of his subconscious flirting.
Finally I decided to take him aside and ask him if he was just accidentally messing with me. He answered that he wasn't really sure, as I wasn't his usual type but he liked me and he was confused. This confused me more, so I took it as a "no" to my advances and I let it go.
The next day he took me aside an apologized for his vagueness. He said that he was pretty sure he was interested, but he wanted to spend more time being friends before exploring a relationship. We hung out several times over the next few weeks and ended up going on our first date - Hotel Transylvania - on October 31st 2012.
Two years and 6 days later we are still happy! I smile like a teenager when I think about him or when he texts me, and I still get those butterflies that I love so much when I see him.
And that's my love story.
We met in my first year. He was maybe a week into a relationship with another girl, which I found out several weeks late, but I fell in love the moment I saw him. He was sitting at a desk in one of the major hallways on campus with his legs stretched out in front of him. He was really tall. He's 6'6" as it turns out. He had a wicked beard. It was, and has been since, short but dense. The bottom is red, the part under his lip is blonde, the mustache and sides are dark brown and the edges are almost black. He had the long nose that I've always been attracted to on a man's face. He has blue eyes and hea wears wire rimmed glasses that shorten his long face just a little bit and still allow his eyes to come to the forefront of his appearance. He had longer hair then, it was below his ears.
I was walking with my friend and she knew him from the anime club. So she stopped to talk to him about the club and about life and eventually she remembered that I was there. I tried to cover up the fact that I was staring, which as it turned out wouldn't have mattered because he doesn't seem to notice when people notice him.
He offered his hand to me and said "I'm Alex," as any normal person would.
I shook his hand and said "Me, too."
And I thought that was the end of it. Until I started going to anime club every Tuesday. I don't watch anime, and I never had much of an interest until there was a reason to be there. I did this for the remainder of the year learning only one thing that I remember today: he flirts with people subconsciously. I decided that whatever attraction I thought was there, was not.
In my second year I hit an all time low for my optimism about my love life. It was one of the only times that my friend had to cheer me up instead of the other way around. She called in whoever was free, and that just happened to be Alex and a gentleman who shares a name with a rather prolific celebrity. She and this other guy spent most of their time talking, leaving me and Alex to look at stuff on his computer. I felt that spark again, but I chalked it up to being a result of his subconscious flirting.
Finally I decided to take him aside and ask him if he was just accidentally messing with me. He answered that he wasn't really sure, as I wasn't his usual type but he liked me and he was confused. This confused me more, so I took it as a "no" to my advances and I let it go.
The next day he took me aside an apologized for his vagueness. He said that he was pretty sure he was interested, but he wanted to spend more time being friends before exploring a relationship. We hung out several times over the next few weeks and ended up going on our first date - Hotel Transylvania - on October 31st 2012.
Two years and 6 days later we are still happy! I smile like a teenager when I think about him or when he texts me, and I still get those butterflies that I love so much when I see him.
And that's my love story.
1. Introduction
This is going to be my NaNoWriMo submission for 2014. I can’t think of anything else, so an intensive journalling experience might be the only way to succeed in my endeavour to make it to the finish line this year. I should explain what I’ve done: there is a 100 theme challenge on DeviantArt which I’ve experimented with many times, but this time I’m using it as a mathematical approach to my NaNoWriMo. 500 words per theme. It’s that easy. The challenge is to write 50,000 words. I think that an autobiography is an acceptable layout for something like this, right? "Yes," is the answer I'm going with.
I will introduce myself now, as it usual for these kinds of things. My name is Alexandra Mueller, I am 21 years old, I am a 4th year English student who is also pursuing a creative writing concentration and a German minor. I am a knitter, a beauty blogger, a writer, a procrastinator, and a foodie. I like talking to people, so if you decide to read this, please leave comments. If you're interested in stalking my on social media, I have instagram, twitter, pinterest, and of course, my beauty blog. Feel free to creep me, I don't mind.
What else should I tell you about me? I just had my 2nd anniversary on October 31st with a lovely gentlemen who shares my name, Alex. He's a gamer and has as such made me a bit of a gamer. We play Dungeons and Dragons twice a week in the chilly basement of the daughter of the associate dean of my faculty at the University. We play Team Fortress 2 when we're bored. We Skype whenever we are not together. We do everything together, we are disgusting, and he is a very important part of my life, so I had to introduce him too.
My ultimate goal is so become a writer of some description for my career. I'm aiming for technical writing, but I am also blogging as often as I can manage to see if I can make it as one of those fabulous people who have pulled a career from their hobbies on the internet. I would love to do what I love every day.
Alex and I are planning to relocate to Vancouver sometime in the future. We visited this past summer and I found creativity, life, vibrancy, and a lust for life that I hadn't felt since before high school (keep in mind that I am 21 years old). I crave that feeling and I won't stop until I make it there. Even then, I won't be stopping, I'll simply be finding a different goal, likely in conjunction with my career.
I am at 450 words. I am generally bad at talking about myself because I like listening to others in more detail, but I think I've compiled a significant biographical opening for this experiment. I am not sure how well this will work, but I'm already at November 6th with all my options exhausted, so I needed something that would pace me in a way that will help me figure out how to cross the 50,000 word finish line for the 3rd year in a row.
539 words. I'll see you in the next installment.
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